What successful negotiators do differently | Kathryn Valentine - TED Talks Daily Recap

Podcast: TED Talks Daily

Published: 2025-12-24

Duration: 10 minutes

Guests: Kathryn Valentine

Summary

Kathryn Valentine reveals that women negotiate as often as men but succeed less due to gender norms. She introduces a relational ask formula to improve negotiation outcomes.

What Happened

Kathryn Valentine begins her talk by addressing the common misconception that women don't negotiate as often as men. In fact, they do, but are less successful due to societal gender norms and the threat of backlash. Valentine shares a personal story about her own failed negotiation attempt during an internship, which motivated her to explore the role of gender in negotiations.

Through her research, Valentine discovered that the conventional negotiation advice often fails women because it does not account for these gender expectations. Instead, she proposes an approach called a 'relational ask,' which aligns negotiation tactics with gender norms to minimize backlash and increase success.

Valentine describes the relational ask as a four-part formula: past performance, future vision, the ask, and a collaborative question. This method connects what the negotiator has already achieved to what they aim to accomplish in the future, framing the negotiation within a context that is mutually beneficial.

She provides practical examples of how this formula has helped women achieve their goals in the workplace. One example includes a woman successfully negotiating a promotion by linking her past sales successes to her future potential, thus securing a new director title.

Valentine emphasizes that while it is unfair that women need different strategies due to gender bias, waiting for societal change is not practical. Her formula provides an actionable tool for women to use immediately in their careers.

She also touches on the limitations of relying on AI to address these biases, pointing out that AI often replicates existing societal biases rather than mitigating them. Therefore, women must be proactive in using negotiation strategies that work within the current system.

Valentine concludes by encouraging women to share this knowledge with others, empowering more women to negotiate effectively and live lives they love. She highlights the importance of taking control of one's career and personal life decisions rather than conforming to external expectations.

Key Insights

• Women negotiate as often as men but face lower success rates due to societal gender norms and the threat of backlash, which conventional negotiation advice often fails to address.
• The 'relational ask' is a negotiation strategy that aligns with gender norms to minimize backlash, using a four-part formula: past performance, future vision, the ask, and a collaborative question.
• A practical example of the relational ask includes a woman successfully negotiating a promotion by linking her past sales achievements to her future potential, resulting in a new director title.
• AI often replicates existing societal biases rather than mitigating them, making it crucial for women to use negotiation strategies that work within the current system rather than relying on AI solutions.